Renaissance
by Mettespo
Summary: This story begins with a shocker, but... Look at the title and trust me... ;-)
1. Chapter 1

_**This story begins with a shocker, but... Look at the title and trust me... ;-)**_

* * *

 **Renaissance**

Dead. Mac was dead. DEAD.

Will was staring at the wall in front of him, the hand that was holding his phone slowly gliding down from his ear until it hung limply alongside his body, and with a thud the device landed on the floor next to him. Not hearing the voice at the other end calling out his name he followed gravity when his knees gave out and fell to the ground.

Dead. MacKenzie was _dead_.

The woman he loved more than his own life. Dead...

The word repeated itself over and over in his mind and he couldn't focus on anything else. He was frozen in place, couldn't move, but finally, after a long time, Will broke down completely and wept bitterly for all he – they – had lost. His face buried in his hands he leaned forward so that they rested on the floor, and he was welcoming the sharp pain in his knees as if it would atone for his wrongs.

Time passed and Will was so consumed in his sorrow that he didn't hear the elevator doors of his apartment open, and he only startled when he felt a hand on his back. „Here, drink this."

„Charlie...? How...? What are you doing here?" His voice was raw from crying and he knew that his face had to be a mess, but he didn't care. Charlie was his friend, the only one who had stood by him over the last couple of years and had endured endless litanies about his unfaithful ex-girlfriend over what felt like dozens of gallons of bourbon since the day she had left.

Charlie gently placed his hand on Will's shoulder. „Jim Walton from CNN called and asked me to check on you."

Clearly confused Will frowned, but then his gaze wandered to his phone that was lying next to him and generated an annoying busy signal, only muffled by the fact that the Blackberry had landed face down. Quickly grabbing it he turned if off but then just stared down at it. „She's dead, Charlie... He said... MacKenzie is _dead_!"

„I know, son... Jim told me... I'm so sorry." Squeezing his shoulder Charlie handed him the glas again and this time he took it and gulped it down in one go.

„What do I do now?" His desperation became obvious with these quiet words, and he still could only stare at the floor in front of him.

„Well, first of all you've got to get off the floor or you won't be able to move anymore tomorrow. Come on, let me help you up."

Will was still kneeling and as soon as he obediently tried to move his legs, glad that Charlie had taken over and told him what to do, the by now dull pain intensified sharply, so that he couldn't prevent a groan from escaping his lips. „Fuck! Let me just..."

Carefully moving off his heels he lowered himself to the side and slowly stretched his legs. Once they were almost fully extended he let out a sigh of relief and shifted back to lean against the couch. Charlie sat down next to him, a second glass and the almost full bottle in his hand, and gave him a refill.

„I'm sorry, Will... I know it doesn't help right now, but we all know it's a dangerous place for journalists over there, though you always think it won't hit one of your own..." Charlie sighed and fell silent again, not knowing how to even begin trying to comfort his friend. He had always suspected that all the rants about MacKenzie he had been forced to endure hadn't mirrored Will's true feelings, but he sure as hell had never wanted to be proven right this way...

His eyes fixed on the glass Will didn't reply immediately, but then he whispered „She wasn't supposed to be there, Charlie... It's _my_ fault that she is dead..."

„No, Will." Charlie objected firmly, although he sympathized. „It was her own decision to go out into the field, to go to _there_. And she was good at it, you know that. She fucking deserved those Peabody Awards she got."

„She wouldn't have been there if I hadn't thrown her out!" Will flared, but as quickly as that outburst happened he deflated again. „ _I_ told her to go away..."

„Which doesn't mean she had to go to the Middle East. She knew what risk she was taking, Will..."

Silence descended on them, both thinking about MacKenzie. Charlie hadn't known her that well, mostly from Will's late night ramblings, but he was fully aware of the reputation Mac had earned herself through hard work as a studio producer as well as a field reporter; he had seen enough of her coverage on TV. Also she and Will had done a damn good show during their time together at CNN, and not for nothing she was considered one of the best EPs in the business. He had always hoped to be able to hire her if they would ever get over their falling-out, but that ship had now sailed.

He was drawn from his thoughts when he heard Will talking to him with a shaky voice. „Charlie... What happened? I didn't hear anything after..." He motioned to the phone still lying next to him.

Sighing he tried to gather his thoughts. „I don't know much, it's apparently all still in quite some chaos over there. She had covered a political gathering near the Shah Faisal Mosque in Islamabad that turned into rioting when several opposing groups clashed. MacKenzie was in the middle of it and got shot. Her team got her out, but when they got to a hospital it was too late..."

Will didn't answer but slowly pulled up his legs and lowered is head to his knees. No sound could be heard, but his shaking shoulders told Charlie that he was crying again and he decided to just let him get it out, only placing his hand on his friend's back to show him that he wasn't alone.

Finally, after a long quarter of an hour, Will had calmed down a little and leaned against the couch again with his head fallen back, staring at the ceiling without seeing anything through his tear-filled eyes except Mac's beautiful face.

„Will?"

„Hmm...?"

„Let's get drunk."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The following morning Will woke up on the couch and it took him a moment to remember what had happened, his head throbbing and his knees aching.

Charlie had stayed over after they had gotten thoroughly drunk, oh God, right. Why did they...?  
But then he saw the picture of Mac he had retrieved from his bedroom after the first drinks, and everything came back to him.

MacKenzie... dead... Killed by political or religious fanatics because she had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. His MacKenzie...

Immediately all the pain he had felt yesterday was back and again struck him completely unprepared. Of course, he'd had days where he had almost been successful in convincing himself that he hated MacKenzie for what she did. Even if, he would still have cared, but as it was, deep down he had always been certain that someday they would be able to iron everything out and start over...

How could he have been so ignorant and arrogant to think that they would have a lifetime to do that?

Not only had every day without her been a lost day. No, he had known that she had gone to the Middle East, one of the most dangerous regions in the world right now. A powder keg, that could explode any minute. And still he had been unable to bring himself to reach out to her. To talk to her or at least write.

And now she had died without knowing that she still meant the world to him. That without her he was nothing more than a shadow of the man he had been with her at his side. A miserable human being on a ratings hunt, with the need to be loved by strangers. A shell with no emotions except self-hatred and despair, trying to cover his hurt, but also his love for her.

She had died without knowing that he still loved her. That he had never stopped... He would never forgive himself for that.

When he finally managed to move and sit up, groaning because his head felt as if it was about to explode, he noticed a handwritten note on the table in front of him.

 _Will, I have to go to the office, I will check in with you later. Take all the time you need, Elliot will fill in for you. Call me if there is anything you need. C._

After reading these words he sighed in relief. He hadn't even thought about the fact that it was a weekday and he was supposed to go work, but he knew for sure that he would not be able to report on this particular news.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The following days Will spent mourning the loss of the the only woman he had ever loved, only interrupted by periods of disbelief and anger. Anger at himself for making Mac leave, anger at Mac for going to such a dangerous place and taking such risks, anger at life for screwing with him. During this time more than one breakable object disappeared from his shelves and cupboards never to be seen again in its orginal state.

He could still hear her voice in his ear, see the smile that would light up any room. He could still feel the touch of her hand, remembered the taste of her skin, and he would never ever forget the sound of her silvery laughter.

He was so glad that he had watched most of her reporting from the Middle East, not only because it had been good, sometimes even stunning, but because now the moment he had thrown her out of their apartment hadn't been the last time he had seen her face. And although this image of her, tear-stained, pleading and desperate was engraved in his mind, at least he had other memories from _after_ , knowing that she had been doing alright after their separation.

Charlie continued to check on him reglarly during the day and dropped by at night. He had even sent his new assistent (Ellen?) by with groceries; as if he would be able to eat anything. Right now he was on an almost completely liquid diet.

On the third day the haze he was in started to lift for short periods of time, and he realized that he wasn't the only one who had lost McKenzie. Her parents and siblings had to be devasted and maybe he should... Yeah, he should really call them, even if they hadn't been in contact for the past two years, ever since he and Mac had split up.

After a last nerver he picked up his phone and dialed their London number, completely on edge and pacing up and down the living room. When the call was picked up on the other end he couldn't say anything at first, but then he forced himself to speak after hearing a questioning 'Hello?' for the second time.

„Mr. McHale... It's Will McAvoy..."

t his following words were a lot friendlier than Will had expected.

„William, how good of you to call... I assume you have heard...?" The older man sighed and didn't finish his sentence, while Will's stomach tensed up.

„Mr. McHale, I am so so sorry... I can't believe..." He noticed that his words were slightly slurred, so he let his voice trail off, but Mac's father had already picked up on it.

„William, did you drink?"

 _Busted_. Will didn't immediately answer, but then he took a deep breath. „I've been trying to forget... _I_ sent her away, Mr. McHale, it's my fault that she's..." He couldn't say the word to her father and paused mid-sentence. „I'm so sorry..."

For a long while neither one of them said anything, but then the older man sighed again. „Listen to me, William... I don't know what happened between you, MacKenzie never told us anything except that it was her fault that the two of you broke up, but it was _her_ decision to go there... God knows her mother and I tried to convince her to come to London, get a job with the BBC, but she wouldn't hear of it. You are _not_ responsible, William."

Will shook his head, although nobody could see him. „Yes I am... There is nothing anybody can say to convince me otherwise. But I didn't want to unload on you, I only called to tell you and your wife how sorry I am..."

„We appreciate that... I will let Claire know that you rang..." Again their was a moment of silence between them, before Edward continued. „Will... What happened between you?"

„I... It doesn't matter anymore, Mr. McHale, just know that it wasn't all your daughter's fault, I had my good share in it." Will did not intend to burden Mac's parents with what she did, but while speaking the words out loud he realized that it was true. It _didn't_ matter anymore what she had done and he _had_ played a huge role in how it had all enfolded. Just why oh why hadn't he seen that before?

„She loved you William, I hope you know that." The voice coming through the phone spoke softly now. „No matter what happened, she loved you and she has never stopped."

Will knew that her father was trying to make him feel better although he didn't deserve it, but he couldn't answer. He felt a lump in his throat and tears filled his eyes as he once again thought about what he had lost. What _they_ had lost, because his obstinacy had let to the McHale's losing their daughter. He tried to speak several times before he finally managed to do so with a halting voice. „She was... _is_... the love of my life, Mr. McHale, there will never be anybody else. I only wish I had told her before..."

„I'm certain she knew... Listen, William, if you ever are in London, please come and see us. You know that we've always liked you, and if things had gone differently you would probably be part of our family by now."

Overwhelmed by this generosity Will didn't know what to reply. „I... I... Thank you Mr. McHale... If you don't mind I would like to come to... the funeral?"

„Of course. We will let you know once everything is set. We don't even know when..." Now even the so far composed diplomat's voice cracked for the first time. „We are still waiting for notification when they will release her body..."

Will closed his eyes and swallowed hard, trying everything to not let his tears spill as long as he was on the phone. „Thank you, I really appreciate it. If I can do anything... anything at all, please let me know."

„We will, Willam, thank you for calling."

Hearing the click in the line when Mac's father hung up Will followed suit and let the phone fall on the couch, suddenly in desperate need of fresh air. He walked out on the terrace to stand at the railing, and feeling like he was suffocating he breathed hard, trying to get as much air into his lungs as possible.

Turning his head his gaze fell on the street far, far below, and almost hypnotized he took a step closer to the balustrade. Nothing would be easier than taking one small step and climbing across this ridiculous barrier. A free fall of only a few seconds and the pain would be over...

He was honestly tempted, but after staring down at the long line of toy-sized cars for a long while he finally stepped back, almost hearing MacKenzie's voice in his head, whispering „Don't... Don't do it, Billy..."

And she was right; he didn't deserve an easy exit.  
What he did deserve was the sorrow and hurt he felt deep inside, and if this was to be his punishment he would endure it for the rest of his life. Nobody would ever be able to convince him that it wasn't his fault.

His eyes fell on his shaking hands and he abruptly turned around to walk back inside; he needed another drink.

...

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Like I said... Trust me... ;-)

I hope to update soon.


	2. Chapter 2

After getting a drink Will had gone back outside and was now sitting in one of his comfortable lounge chairs, not that he cared for the soft cushion right now. With his feet up on the balustrade he was staring into the sky and held on to the glass he had placed on his chest, way too absorbed in his thoughts to empty it.

The moment he had said to Mac's father that he'd had his share in their break-up, some closed door seemed to have opened up within him, and he was now desperately trying to think everything through.

The question was why she had cheated on him in the first place and then with Brian fucking Brenner in particular.

He was confident enough to rule out the sex.  
Their physical relation had always been spectacular, extraordinary. He had never felt anything like it before or the few times after his time with Mac, and he knew for sure that it had been just like that for her. They had talked about it, and she wouldn't have stayed with him for more than another 18 months after her cheating if she hadn't been satisfied.

But she had also felt the need to go back to Brian in the beginning, so something couldn't have been right between them.

Thinking back he was rather sure that he hadn't pushed her away with words or actions, but maybe it had been the opposite and he had smothered her, had put too much pressure on her. For him it had always been clear that she was _it_ , right from the start. What if she simply had needed more time to make up her mind?

But even if so, why didn't she just tell him? Why didn't she come to him to let him know that she needed more time or space or hadn't closed the chapter on Brian at that point?

Thinking about this he frowned. There _had been_ days in the beginning when she had tried to tell him that she was tired, that she didn't feel like going out and just wanted to spent a quiet evening at home. Her home. Alone.  
But he had been so much in love that quite regularly, as he had to admit, he had ignored her wishes and showed up at her place anyway, bringing take-out or a movie to watch. And then he had also almost always spent the night as well.

She had never thrown him out, that's why he had thought that in reality she didn't mind, despite her words, but what if she had? If she just hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings, or was afraid he would be insulted and break up with her if she made him think that she didn't want to spend time with him?

He knew that during her whole relationship with Brenner that fucking jackass had always had an unhealthy hold over her, that's why to this day he had never understood why she went back to him. But for the first time it now occured to him:  
What if she had needed exactly that as a kind of relief from the attention and love he had given her?

She hadn't been used to this kind of attentiveness focused on her, on the contrary, she had told him once, later in their relationship, that she'd always had to work for the tiniest kindness from Brian.

If he was right, this wouldn't free her from her wrongdoing or explain why she'd not just simply talked to him instead of crawling back into Brian's hell hole, but at least it would help him understand and see his part in all of it.

And also afterwards, after she had confessed to cheating on him... He hadn't given her any chance to explain, had just shut down; he couldn't absolve himself of that.

It was kind of funny in a not so funny way that now when it was too late, he was able to think all this through rationally, to find a possible explanation and weigh the different options he'd had back then. Why didn't he manage to do that before?

Even if he had been too hurt in the beginning, he'd had _two fucking years_ to get over the initial pain. What the fuck was wrong with him?

With a sigh Will downed his drink and then closed his eyes, hoping to find a little sleep that would allow him to forget for a while that he would never get the chance again to speak about all of this with Mac.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::.

Later that afternoon his phone rang.

„Will? You have to come to the office; I need to see you right now. Come straight up to my office." Without waiting for an answer Charlie hung up.

His star anchor stared at the phone in his hand and frowned. What was that all about? They had agreed that he would not have to work for the rest of the week. Hell, he didn't even know how to deal with his job next week, and he surely wasn't fucking close to be able to go on the air right now.

Reluctantly he got up from the couch and scuffled to the bathroom. For a moment he thought about taking a shower and shaving, but then he shrugged. If Charlie really wanted him to work tonight he could take care of that in his office, but he didn't see any need to dress up for his friend. Settling for changing into a clean shirt and jeans as well as brushing his teeth he then called the doorman to hail a cab for him and rode the elevator down.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Charlie was sitting behind his desk, going through a memo from legal on yet another sexual harrassment seminar to be attended by every single AWM employee, from the janitor to Reese Lansing. Only Leona Lansing was exempt, and Charlie – or rather his assistant - now had to work out a schedule for the staff of the news division to attend.

He shortly looked up but saw that Millie hadn't returned from her lunch break yet, so he continued with the next file waiting to be dealt with. A couple minutes later there was a knock at the door and without looking up he called „Come in."

When he heard the door open he murmered „Just a second, I just have to finish..." and read to the end of the page before he looked up. Not even a second later his eyes went almost comically wide and only after a couple of tries he managed to speak.

„I... I... _What the fuck?_ If I didn't know better I would say you are MacKenzie McHale, but that is impossible!"

The woman standing just inside his office smiled weakly. „You are quite correct, I am MacKenzie..."

Quickly getting up Charlie hurried over to where she stood and took her hand. „Ms. McHale, I can't believe... But we were informed by CNN... They seemed very sure about your... We got it via Reuters and AP... _What happened?_ "

„It's Mac, Mr. Skinner, and it's a long story. I promise I'll tell you as much as I can, but first... Where is Will? I watched his show last night but Elliot Hirsch filled in for him. How is Will?"

„You have no idea what he has been through, Ms... Mac. And it's Charlie." He smiled at her. „Will is off this week... But are you alright? Take a seat!"

Charlie had noticed that Mac appeared a little pale and had shown some pain when stretching out her hand to meet his.

„I'm fine, thanks. I'm just a little stiff, so sitting down would indeed be nice."

Looking her hard in the eye Charlie finally nodded. „I see you have a story to tell... I assume you had a reason to come here first, so let me call Will in and then you can start talking. Drink?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

About 30 minutes after Charlie's call Will arrived at the AWM building und was told by security to go straight up to his boss' office. He entered the elevator with three other people, luckily none of them working with him, so he just nodded politely when one of the woman gave him a smile.

Getting off on the 44th floor he slowy walked to Charlie's office, not knowing what to expect. Millie waved him right through and while opening the door he already spoke, his tone rather defensively.

„Charlie? What's up? I don't have to do the show tonight, do I?"

Will looked tired, haggard and like a man who had lost everything he believed in, for what he had lived for. But he was also the man she loved, and so Mac, standing at the other side of the office where she had looked out of the window while waiting, couldn't hold back a second longer, though she was scared like a mouse facing a python.

„Hi, Will."

Will froze. That voice... _It couldn't be!_

„It's good to see you..."

Slowly he spun around, and there she was...  
Both of them just stared at each other, not saying a word, so that finally Charlie couldn't help himself, grinning wide. „To quote Mr. Twain, Will, the rumours of MacKenzie's death have been greatly exaggerated..."

„How...? What...? _Mac_..." Though Will only breathed her name this single word conveyed a range of emotions from disbelief to hope and joy. Then he took a couple of large steps, and without any hesitation he pulled her into his arms.

Ignoring the pain coursing through her body Mac let out a sob of relief and buried herself in his chest, putting her arms around his waist to hold on to him. For a long time they simply held each other, Will crushing her into his body whilst not at all understanding why she was _here_ , right in front of him. _Not dead_.

At the same time Mac reveled in the fact that he was holding her in his arms, wholeheartedly, without showing any sign of reluctance, anger or even loathing as she had feared.

After a few moments it became clear to Charlie that he actually did not need to be here in his office and excused himself before leaving the room; not that either of them heard what he said.

Time passed and neither Will nor Mac moved. Even now, feeling Mac in his arms and inhaling the faint, familiar remnants of her shampoo, Will could hardly believe that the news of MacKenzie's death had been wrong. He slowly let one of his hands roam up and down her back, and with the other one being entangled in her hair he pressed her head into him while repeatedly whispering her name. Finally, after the first adrenaline rush had calmed down a little, he slightly released his grip and moved his head back to look at her.

„MacKenzie... I can't believe... Where the hell have you been? _What the fuck happened?_ "

Mac sighed, the honeymoon had been short and was apparently over already, but she took it as a good omen that he had been so distraught by her alleged passing.

„It's a long story, Billy. Maybe we should go someplace we can talk? I don't have much time."

Will wrinkled his forehead, but then nodded and stepped back. Taking her hand so she had to follow him he walked towards the elevator, slowing down when he noticed that Mac had difficulties keeping up with him. „Are you alright?"

For a moment she bit her lip, but then she gave him a small, almost embarrassed smile and admitted „I am a little sore, let's just take it slow, okay?"

„Jesus, Mac, what the fuck happened?" Will knew that he was repeating himself, but didn't care. Something was up and he was determined to find out.

Shrugging Mac avoided his eyes. „The shorthand version is that I was shot at..." Hearing the strangled sound finding its way from Will's throat she looked up and quickly continued when she saw his horrified expression. „... The bullet only grazed me, but it's still healing, so I have to take it easy for a while."

„Mac..." Again Will could only breathe her name and tightened his grip on her hand. He didn't know why the fact that somebody had shot at her rattled him so much when he had believed her to be dead not even fifteen minutes ago. He had so many questions, but he realized that the busy executive floor wasn't the right place for them, so when the elevator doors opened he pulled her inside and pushed the down button, simply grateful that she was here. Next to him. _Alive._

When they passed security on their way out Mac retrieved a small travel bag she'd had to leave behind before going upstairs while Will went outside to find a cab. Once outside she quickly followed him into the back seat, and when he gave the driver an address unbeknownst to her she raised her eyebrows at him.

„It's my place, I hope you don't mind?"

Shaking her head she leaned back and closed her eyes. „No, it's fine."  
If she was honest with herself she was curious how he lived nowadays, being a rather famous cable news anchor with a seven-figure income. Before, when still with CNN, they had both lived in a nice two-bedroom flat, nothing special but _theirs_.

She knew that after she had left New York he hadn't been able to stand the thought of staying with their network and had accepted the offer from Charlie Skinner to go back to ACN, where he had started his career as an anchor on 9/11.

With that move a considerable salary increase came along, and shortly after he had cancelled the lease on their old apartment. The only reason she had become aware of it was that her half of the security deposit had one day been transfered back to her account. She had wondered if Will had maybe simply changed the contract to be the sole tenant, but on further inquiry the property management company had informed her that the lease had been terminated.

She had felt a sting, because with this move their time as a couple was officially in the past and all obvious ties between them were cut. Although certain that it had been a sign from Will that it was well and truly over, deep inside she had always clung to the explanation that he had only moved because now he could afford a better place.

They spent the ride in silence, but Mac didn't need to open her eyes to know that Will couldn't take his eyes off of her. The feeling was mutual, but she didn't dare return his look before she knew where they stood, being too afraid that he would read her feelings much too well.

Clearly he had feared the worst, but still... She had no idea what all this meant, if it was just his conscience feeling bad about having sent her away, or if he had cared as a friend or as... more...

When they pulled up in front of Will's apartment he gently nudged her. „We're there, Mac, wake up."

„I wasn't sleeping," Mac mumbled and opened her eyes. When she reached for her bag Will had already beat her to it, so she just opened the door and got out. Slowly she let her eyes run up the facade of the impressve highrise and then squinted her eyes. „Which floor do you live on?"

„Penthouse." Will's reply was completely unpretentious, accompanied by a casual shrug, and Mac had no problems believing that he had chosen the place out of convenience, maybe for security reasons or because he liked the view, but not for showing off his social status or bragging with his money.

Not that he didn't enjoy not having to count every penny anymore after the childhood he'd had. He had spoiled her often enough with beautiful flowers, a spontaneous weekend trip or a small piece of jewellery, just as much as he had been able to afford back then, but deep inside he was still the little boy from a farm in Nebraska who knew the value of a dollar. Or at least he used to when she had left two years ago.

When they arrived on the top floor and stepped out of the private elevator Mac stopped and let her gaze roam around the room. Impressive, she had to admit, especially the view, but so different from the warm, cozy apartment they had lived in together. This place was all glass, steel and leather. No pictures on the wall, no cushions on the couch, no flowers nor plants. It definitely didn't look like a place someone had lived in for more almost two years now, and she suddenly felt sad for Will.

Noticing that Mac had stayed behind he turned around. He opened his mouth to speak, but looking at her he wasn't able to bring out a word. Instead he took a few large steps back to her and again enveloped her in his arms. „God, I thought I had lost you, MacKenzie... I thought I'd never see you again..."

Mac instinctively held onto him, once more savouring his closeness, but when he pressed her even harder against his chest she let out a clearly painful moan, and Will immediately let go of her. Grabbing her upper arms he quickly looked her up and down. „Jesus, Mac, I'm sorry, are you alright?"

Grimacing she nodded. „I'm okay, but could I get a glass of water? I think I should take another painkiller."

„Of course." Will let go of her and with a worried look he walked to the kitchen while she started to rummage through her dufffel bag for her medicine. When he returned she had the pill ready in her hand and took the glass from him with a grateful smile. „Thank you."

Will watched her for a few seconds until she had taken her medication and then took her hand to pull her to the couch before speaking with a harsh voice, unsuccessfully trying to hide how anxious he was. „Here, sit down... Fuck, Mac, what happened? Why were we told that you were...

Looking at him Mac squeezed his hand but then let go, so he sat down next to her. Averting her eyes she took a deep breath. „I was in..." Really taking in her surroundings in detail for the first time she stopped. „Will, have you been drinking?"

„That would be an understatement..." he mumbled while glancing over at the glasses and bottles to be found all over the place. „The last days were... But right now this isn't about me, and I'm more sober than have been since I got the call from your boss. Tell me why you let everybody believe you were dead!"

„It wasn't my idea, believe me..." Mac sighed. „I was... No, let me start at the beginning: My first base when I went over there two years ago was Kabul. Shortly after I arrived I met a young First Lieutenant from public relations who was assigned to accompany the embedded press. Her name was Julia; Jules for short. We became friends, but then she was reassigned. When my team and I were sent to Islamabad as our new base about six months ago we met again. She had been promoted to Captain in the meantime and was in charge of public relations in the region." Mac shifted and took another sip of water before she continued.

„Whenever I was in town we tried to catch up; sometimes we'd meet for lunch or dinner at a restaurant or I'd just stop by at her office."

„What does that have to do with...?" Will interrupted her, clearly confused.

„I'm getting to that... A few days ago I covered a political rally close to the Shah Faisal Mosque which turned ugly pretty quickly between hostile members of several tribes..." She didn't continue immediately, and Will noticed that she had gotten tense, but didn't interfere again to let her tell the story in her own time.

„I... I still don't really know how it happened, but suddenly I got a push and felt a sharp burn, and then I was pulled down. I wanted to get up again, but my side hurt so much, and when I tried to prop me up I noticed that my hand was in a puddle of blood... _my_ blood... Then I got a knock to my head and passed out."

Will hadn't been able to contain an aghast sound, so she looked up and shortly took his hand. to reassure him. „I'm fine, Billy, as you can see."

Letting out a deep breath Will forced himself to relax. „I'm sorry, I just... Go on."

Squeezing his hand once more she let go again and leaned back. „This might sound a bit... holey now, but even though I was part of this whole thing I wasn't told everything, a lot was apparently classified. So... I woke up at the base hospital. Jim, my senior producer, had gotten me out of the crowd. He carried me until he found a US patrol and they got me back to the base. I had lost a lot of blood by then and had a slight concussion and a few scratches, but otherwise I was fine."

Now Will couldn't hold back. „So why the fuck were we told that you had died? Miscommuniation?"

Mac shook her head. „No, I'm sorry... It was part of a military operation. I was unconscious for about 8 or 9 hours and, shortly after I came to, Jules came to visit, together with the Colonel running the base. They told me that according to the doctors I had been shot at very close range... So close that it was highly unlikely that it had been a coincidence. The push I had gotten at about the same moment has probably saved my life, because the bullet only grazed me. They thought... they were convinced I had been purposefully targeted..." Suddenly she abruptly turned her head towards him.

„This is... _Promise me_ that you will never say a word about this to _anybody_! It's classified, and if you talk about it I will end up in jail..."

Will was getting more and more nervous about what had happend to her over there but tried to calm her down as much as he could. „Of course. But as much as I want to know, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to or are not allowed to, Mac."

„I know..." she whispered. „But I _do_ want you to know..."

Lifting his hand to move a strand of hair behind her ear he then rested his hand on her cheek and looked directly into her eyes. „Then you have my word of honor, MacKenzie. Whatever you'll say will stay in this room."

After a second she nodded. „Thank you..."  
Before going on she took his hand of her cheek but this time she held on to it in her lap. „I don't know why, but they had been suspecting that there was a mole in the public relations department, one of the locals working there. They assumed that because of my frequent meetings with Jules he'd thought that I was working for the army and had given them information I had retrieved during my trips through the country." She looked up and gave Will a weak attempt of a grin, but her eyes kept their grave expression. „So you are currently in the company of an alleged spy..."

He could only tighten his grip around her fingers. „Fuck, Mac, I think I can see where this is heading, but why did they let everybody know you had died? Why not just arrest the mole? Or at least keep it local news?"

Now a hint of amusement showed in her eyes. „Do you really think they could have kept it quiet in a city full of internatioal journalists? Many of whom I know?" Turning serious again she continued in an urgent voice. „They needed time to close the case to be sure they had the right person and get all people involved. Also they were certain their phone lines were bugged. They could not remove the devices without alerting the suspect so they had to stick with the story and distribute it via the normal channels, which include the international media.

„But why did you have to be publicly considered dead for this?"

„I am not entirely sure. It was partly for my own safety, but I think they also expected the suspect to lead them to the others of his cell once they were convinced their attack had been successful, maybe for a kind of celebration or to get new orders... I don't know. But believe me, it took a long time for them to convince me. I knew how much it would hurt my family and y..."

„Your family!" Will jerked his head, he hadn't even thought about them until now. „Do they know? You need to call them!"

Smiling apologeticallly Mac ran her thumb over his knuckles. „I called my sister Liz the moment I was allowed to – Which was about fve hours ago. I didn't want them to just hear my voice over the phone; Liz will break it to them and I'll be flying to London tonight."

„London?" Will was taken aback. He was still trying to get his head around the fact that he hadn't lost Mac, that fate had given them another chance, and now she wanted to leave again?

„Yes, Will, London. I'm sure my parents need to see me right now. And I need to be with them for a while." She paused for a moment but then continued softly. „Nothing between us is resolved, Will. I think we both need time."

„But..."

„Think about what you want. Right now you are glad that I am alive, and I like to take that as a good sign. But everything you feel now is superimposed by a huge amount of relief... I'll be back in about ten days for another debriefing with the MIS and to talk to CNN, either to get a new assignment or to void my contract... Maybe then we can talk."

Something stirred within him and he couldn't help but ask. „If you found the time to call you parents... Why didn't you call me? Or at least have them let me know?"

Mac blushed and nervously bit her lip, something he had always found incredibly sexy which clearly hadn't changed. Still he forced himself to move his gaze to her eyes, waiting for an answer.

After a moment she sighed. „I'm sorry... I don't think they felt the need. Dad had told Liz that you have called them..." She smiled and pressed his hand as a thanks for his consideration. „... and they surely thought I'd call you myself, but..." Taking a deep breath she nervously went on. „I needed to tell you in person, I... I needed to see your face the moment you found out I wasn't dead... I'm sorry..."

Thinking about it Will wasn't sure if he hadn't done the same, so he slowly nodded and returned her smile. „I understand... But... why were you allowed to tell us now? Isn't it dangerous for you?"

Mac shook her head, clearly relaxing at his words. „I was smuggled out of Pakistan with a cargo flight and after we landed at Dover this morning I was already expected by MIS and the CIA. While I was in the air they had busted the cell; it was just a local group and they are all off the streets now, so I'll be safe. CNN will report in about a couple of hours that there had been some kind of misidentification and that it wasn't me that had been killed in that protest."

For a moment Will only looked at her, again amazed that she was sitting next to him and he could touch her. He was starting to feel alive again, as if he had been reborn, but she was right, they still had a lot of shit from the past to sift through.

Mac, what happenend?" Seeing her frown at why he would ask that when she had just told him everything, he added. „Not in Islamabad. Two years ago, with... Brian."

She sighed and let go of his hand, and he immediately missed the feel of her soft, warm skin. „Didn't you ever read the e-mails I've sent you?"

The e-mails, of course! Why hadn't he thought of them earlier? They probably could have answered many questions he'd had over the last days... He shook his head. „No, I never read them, I'm sorry."

The expression in her eyes changed to disappointment, but she forced herself to smile at him. „I really want to talk to you about it, but my flight is going in three hours. Read my e-mails, Will... If you still want to talk after that, we can do it when I get back..."

Will swallowed hard, hesitant to let her go again. „You promise you're coming back? It's just London and then back to New York?"

„I promise."

* * *

Standard disclaimer:  
All holes in Mac's story, real and imagined, are naturally on purpose and covered by the operation being classified... :-D


	3. Chapter 3

_Will, I wish I could tell you all this in person, but I know you wouldn't listen to me, just as you apparently are not reading my e-mails. Or are you reading them but just don't answer?_

 _Although I am not even able to put it into words, I want to tell you (again) how sorry I am. I never meant to hurt you - I love you, Will, I really really love you._

 _Everything that has happened... It happened before I realized that. That I love you, I mean. I know it's paradoxical, but the reason why I went to see Brian again was the same reason why I fell in love with you..._

 _I have told you about the relationship I had with him, and you were so very very different. Amazing, but also scaring me a little. You have been completely „in" right from the start, whereas I was still hung up on him after he had broken up with me. You were so gentle and caring and you fulfilled my every wish, sometimes even before I knew I had it. I just didn't know how to accept that; to not believe it would be over again soon and yes, also not to feel... overwhelmed by this..._

 _This is by no means your fault, please don't even start to think in that direction. You were perfect! It was all me,_ I _didn't appreciate this gift enough. I_ _thought I needed the comfort of something I knew already, of something I knew how to cope with... At one point I was completely lost as to what I want, so I went to see Brian a few times... and exactly that helped me realize, what you mean to me..._

Will took a deep breath. This was the sixth e-mail of Mac's he had read, and though every single one was worded differently, they all said the same and confirmed that he had played his role in what had happened back then, although he hadn't known it at the time.

Not for the first time he cursed himself for not talking to Mac back when she had told him about cheating with Brian or at least any time after that. Instead he had thrown her out...

„ _Billy, did you hear what I said? I love you! It's been so long since..."_

 _Will interrupted Mac coldly, unimpressed by her tear-stained face and pleading. „Shove it, Mac. I don't want to hear any of it. Just... go! Get out of my sight, I don't want to see you again!"_

 _Although he was feeling a strange mix of numbness and rage he still realized that Mac wouldn't be able to move out of their apartment in a heartbeat. „I will go to a hotel for a couple of nights. When I come back I don't want to find a single trace of you here anymore."_

 _Turning around he went into the bedroom and packed a few things he would need. When he came back into the living room Mac had fallen onto the couch and was sobbing uncontrollably, but when she heard him she looked up with pleading eyes, though not daring to say anything._

 _Will paused for a second as if to memorize her face and saw a tiny flicker of hope in her eyes, but then, without another word, he continued towards the door. The moment he closed it behind him he heard her desperate cry, „Billy!", and only then he allowed his own tears to fill his eyes._

 _He barely managed to pull himself together until he had checked into a nearby hotel, but when he entered his room he shattered completely and the tears started to flow. He was crying for what he had lost, for the woman that meant everything to him and who he had given his heart to._

 _He wept for an embarrassingly long time, something he would never admit to to anybody , but when no more tears wanted to come anymore he felt himself harden inside. He would not cry again over this cheater who had broken his heart. He had trusted Mac, he had given her everything he had, and she had betrayed him in return. He was done with her, and he never wanted to see her again._

Will came back from this memory and sadly shook his head. After his emotional breakdown he had gotten drunk and sometime during that night he had sent a text to his boss at CNN in which he resigned. He had been sure he would not be able to work with Mac after this, never again.

A couple of days later he had talked to Charlie Skinner, who had given him his first chance on the air years ago and had told him countless times before that he would always be welcome to rejoin ACN. Charlie had been delighted to hear that he was available, and after all administrative details between the company, his agent and his former employer had been settled he had started with 'Newsnight'.

He knew it wasn't like the show he had done before, with Mac. They'd had certain standards, they'd wanted to bring real news to the viewers, inform the electorate. But without Mac he had lost all interest in pursuing a higher goal. All he'd cared about were the ratings, showing him that at least his audience loved him. As long as he showed them what they wanted to see, they would not turn their back on him, and so he mostly focused on stars and starlets, scandals in politics, weather catastrophes and the newest technical gimmicks.

He knew that Charlie was secretly disappointed in him. More than once he had tried to steer Will towards following a more ambitious approach with the show, to use the skills he had acquired as a prosecutor and to try and shape the debate, just as he had done with Mac at his side. But Will's agent had negotiated that he was solely responsible for the content of the show, and his ratings were too good to force him to do anything differently.

He had become a cable news star, responsible for ACN's horrendous advertising profits in prime time. He earned the salary to prove it, but the dark hole inside him, the loneliness, had stayed with him throughout. Until now, that he had seen Mac again and held her in his arms.

Having been confronted with her alleged death had stirred something deep within him. Not just the relief and happiness that she was alive; although Mac had been right when she'd appeared in New York a couple days ago. That day he had simply been so overwhelmed to see her, to know that she wasn't dead, that all his feelings about why she had left in the first place didn't get a chance to surface.

But even though he had thought a lot about their past during the time he had believed her to be dead, nothing really had been resolved. For this they would need to talk, and while a part of him dreaded it he was also looking forward to this encounter. With the information she had given him in her e-mails he felt better prepared for it, in contrast to the day when she had told him bout Brian two years ago; then he had simply been shocked. Now he was realizing that he had been given a second chance, one he had not believed he would ever get.

He smiled when he thought about the text Mac had sent him after arriving at the airport to fly to London three days ago:

 _'You are a crazy and presumptuous but also very sweet idiot... Thank you!'_

As soon as she had left his apartment, not letting him take her to the airport, he had arranged an upgrade into First Class on the British Airways flight for her. He had intended to have her believe that the airline did it on it's own accord, but naturally she had figured it out. So let her think it was unnecessary and extravagant; she had obviously been in pain and he'd wanted her to be as comfortable as possible.

He hadn't even thought about it before calling the airline, but now, with a little distance to the first exhilarating hours after finding out she was alive, he liked to see it as a first step to make it up to her that he had been an absolut jackass two years ago and ever since. It didn't matter if there was a future for the both of them, she deserved it.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

When Mac walked into the arrival hall at London Heathrow early next morning British time, luggage in tow, she could see that her parents were already waiting for her. Her father appeared calm and composed, obviously in diplomat mode, but her mother seemed anxious with her head turning between the different gates her daughter could possibly come out of.

When she was about twenty feet away her mother spotted her amidst the crowd and with an excited „Edward!" she disentangled herself from her husband's arm and almost ran to meet her daughter. When she reached her she unceremoniously pulled her into a tight embrace, not able to hide her tears.  
„Oh Sweetheart, MacKenzie, you really are here! I couldn't believe it when Liz called, I..." Claire McHale broke off. Overcome by her emotions she held Mac even closer, but immediately let go again when she heard her take a sharp breath. „Are you alright, Honey?"

Forcing a smile on her face while breathing through the pain Mac nodded. „I'm okay, just a little bruised, Mom." She didn't intend to tell her mother about the shooting incident in the middle of the airport, so she quickly went on, squeezing her hand. „It's so good to see you; I couldn't wait for the plane to arrive."

In the meantime her father had closed up to them. With a wide smile he opened his arms and without any hesitation Mac let herself fall into them. „My little poppet..."

„Daddy!" Mac pressed her head into his shoulder and closed her eyes. She couldn't possibly love her mother more, but she had always had a special relationship with her father. She was the one of his children that was as interested in politics as he was, leading to heated discussions already during her teenage years, and he had always supported her in the decisions she had made – Except for the last, almost fatal one two years ago.

With a kiss to Mac's head he finally let go of her and looked into her eyes. „Let's go home." Taking the handle of her trolley case he led the way while her mother put her arm around her shoulder to hold her close while following her husband.

Once they arrived home Mac was ushered up to her room by to freshen up. She didn't complain and after a long, refreshing shower she put a new bandage on her wound and then went downstairs again.

She found Claire in the kitchen, preparing an opulent English breakfast as she always did on the first day of any of Mac's visits. Though normaly only eating something light in the mornings Mac always indulged her and actually treasured this little tradtion of welcoming her home.

Stepping up to her cutting some fruit while keeping an eye on the bacon in the frying pan at the same time, Mac placed a kiss on her cheek and offered to help, but – also almost a tradition – was waved off with an appreciative smile. „Thanks, Darling, but you just go find you father; I believe he's in the study. I'll come and get you when everything is ready.

With a squeeze to her mother's shoulder she did as she was told but found Edward McHale in the little garden behind the house instead of the study. When she stepped up to him he smiled at her, but nevertheless she could clearly see that the last days had taken its toll. He looked tired and the sad lines that were engraved in his face hadn't completely disappeared yet.

Linking her arm with him she leaned her forehead against his shoulder and let herself relax, enjoying the colorful display of hyacinths and tulips in front of her. After a few minutes of comfortable silence she sighed. „I'm sorry for worrying you all so much, Daddy..."

Edward carefully squeezed her arm. „I am certain you had a good reason for letting us believe you were dead." Mac smiled to herself; of course her father would not criticize her or show any doubt in her judgement. Just when she wanted to answer though her mother appeared on the terrace and called for them to come in.  
„Let's go inside, I will tell you both."

Back inside her mother had served up a perfect English breakfast, and after indulging in a round of bacon and eggs Mac started to recount her story, getting all the expected reactions at the appropriate moments. As her parents were both used to dealing with sensitive information she told them the whole story, and their relief was palpable when she told them that the terrorist cell no longer existed.

„Oh Honey, I am so glad you are safe." Her mother put her hand over hers. „Are you sure your wound has been treated as it should? Maybe you should go and see Dr. Ellis."

„Everything is fine, Mom, it just needs time to heal. But thanks." Her daughter gave her a grateful smile.

„Alright then..." Buttering a piece of toast her mother then nonchalantly went on. „Well, surely Will was happy when you called him?"

Mac's expression changed to something resembling embarrassment, and suddenly she was absolutely fascinated by playing with a slice of grapefruit on her plate, pushing it from one side to the other with her fork. Feeling her mother's piercing look she finally shrugged. „I didn't call him, I just showed up in New York... I needed to see him..."

Claire wasn't able to hide a small, satisfied smile and encouraged her husband with a wave of her hand. „You should tell her what he said on the phone, Edward."

Now Mac looked up and met her father's eyes, who actually grinned at her. „Well, William was devastated when he called. He said, and I quote, that you are the love of his life and that there will never be anybody else."

Feeling a rush of warmth running through her body Mac only managed to gape at him for a moment, but then she collected herself and looked down at her plate again while mumbling „That was an exceptional situation, he was in shock and surely didn't mean what he was saying."

„I wouldn't be so sure about that, MacKenzie. He also insisted that it was his fault that you went to the Middle East and said he had also played a part in your splitting up."

„He did _not_."

„He most certainly did... I know, it's none of my business, but taking my experience in getting opposing sides to a table into account, I would say the two of you should talk..." Edward McHale still smiled at her, but didn't say anything more.

Mac had difficulties to form a clear thought. She had wanted to see Will in New York to figure out whether the whole situation had mellowed his opinion of her and, if she was truly lucky, maybe about what had happened between them. What she had never expected him to do was to skip over several steps and admit even to himself that he still loved her, let alone to other people. Finally, aware of her parent's eyes still focused on her, she lifted her head, a tiny, unbelieving smile playing around her lips. „I guess I _should_ call him..." And after checking her watch to figure out what time it was in New York. „...later."

Changing the subject by asking about her siblings her parents, having said what they had wanted to say, played along.

„Liz and Josy will come by after work tonight, but Michael and Sheila won't be able to make it before Saturday. They'll bring Aunt Muriel and Uncle Henry; they all want to see you." Her mother gave a firm squeeze to Mac's hand and then quickly wiped another tear from the corner of her eye. „Another cup of tea, Dear?"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

After they had finished breakfast Mac quickly helped her mother to clean up the kitchen and then excused herself to go to her room. She really needed some time alone to think about what she had just heard.

Will had said he still loved her? She was the love of his life?

If that was true, why hadn't he said anything while she was in New York?  
Sure, she had said she didn't want to talk while he was still under the influence of seeing her again so unexpectedly, but she had been thinking along the lines of a full-blown discussion about what she had done to him, not something like _that_!

Maybe... She hated to think it, but maybe he hadn't meant it? Had only said it because of the situation?

Should she ask him about it?  
She was tempted, but no, she couldn't, at least not right away. Better wait how this new, fragile relationship would develop. However, she did check the time and seeing that it was almost 6:30 a.m. in New York she sent off a text to Will, as she had promised to let him know when she arrived.

 _'All well, don't want to wake you. Have a good day.'_

Only a few seconds later her phone rang and she couldn't suppress a smile. „You are awake early."

„I was waiting for your call..."

„Mmh..." Mac sat down on her bed and scooted up to lean against the headboard, crossing her ankles „I didn't want to call in the middle of the night."

„You could have... The flight was alright?"

„I already said that you are an idiot, but yes, thank you." She was really thankful to him for getting her a better seat on the plane and eased the affectionate insult with a smile she was sure he could hear over the phone. „I really appreciate it."

Satisfied that he had been able to make her more comfortable on the flight he still shrugged it off. „Don't mention it... How are your parents?"

Suddenly the background noise changed and Mac suspected that Will had stepped out on the terrace. „They were happy to see me. It's going to be nice to be with them for a few days."

„I bet... Tell them I said 'hello', will you?"

„Of course. Will you be working today?"

„Yeah..." Taking a sip of what was probably coffee he continued. „No reason to stay home anymore."

„Good... You should try and get a little more sleep, sorry I have woken you up."

„You didn't wake me, but yeah, I should grab another hour... We'll talk later?"

A little firework was set off in her stomach, and she was grateful that he actually wanted to keep in touch. „I'll call you tonight, okay?"

„Yeah... And Mac?"

„Mmh?"

„Enjoy the time with your parents."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

After a quiet day she had used to catch up on some sleep she woke up in time for dinner, for which they were joined by her sisters Josy and Liz as well as her fiancé Scott. More tears were shed, but then they spent a wonderful evening catching up.

Later though, thanks to the hopscotching through different time zones during the past days, she was wide awake while her parents had already been asleep for hours, so she tuned into ACN International to watch Will's show. She hadn't had the chance to do that often while overseas, so she enjoyed seeing him in his element now. Nevertheless she had to acknowledge that the direction of the show had changed considerably since their days together. It had become a slick, unruffled program for a mainstream audience, no rough edges, no challenges, no critical topics were touched and no in-depths interviews conducted.

Mac was taken aback. This was not the Will she knew and with whom she had once done a show that was aimed at viewers who were discerning and wanted to be informed about what was going on in the world.

When she had caught a rare snippet of 'Newsnight' in the Middle East she had thought she had tuned into a segment that had simply been really really bad, but now she realized that his whole show was done at exactly this level. Suddenly she knew where his numbers and consequently his salary hike came from and she shook her head. She couldn't imagine him being happy with this type of show.

Of course they would have loved to have his current rating for their old format, but in the end the content had always been more important to them. For her it still was, so what the fuck had happened to him?

 _You_ have happened, a little voice inside her reminded her, but she immediately shook her head, dismissing the idea that it was her sole responsibility. Will was his own man and even if she _had been_ the initial trigger for this sorry excuse of a news show he was now delivering night after night, he knew well enough that he was renouncing himself and his standards, and that _this_ wasn't why he had gone into the news business.

A few minutes after he was off the air she called Will and didn't have to wait long for him to pick up. „Mac, hi."

„Hi yourself." Snuggling deeper into her covers she waited for him to say more.

„How come you're not asleep?"

Mac heard a rustling noise and, barely containing a nostalgic sigh, imagined Will changing from his on-air suit into his everyday clothes. „Well, I promised you I'd call... So I used the opportunity to watch your show; I couldn't do that too often lately."

The sound of clothing being removed stopped, and Will didn't say anything for a moment, but then his voice sounded slightly uncomfortable. „You did...? That's nice..."

He didn't ask for her thoughts about what she had seen, just as she had expected, so she decided not to harp on about it. They continued to talk a little about their days before he told her to get some sleep when he stepped onto the elevator.

With a smile she hung up and turned off the light. How had she missed to be able to talk to Will during the last years, and she was simply grateful that a normal conversation between them was possible again.

Making a mental note to tune into his show the following evening she closed her eyes and quickly fell asleep.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The following day she spent with her mother in the city to do some shopping. Her wardrobe definitely needed a little improvement after she had mostly worn jeans and khaki pants and blouses in the desert, and they came home with about a dozen bags full of clothes.

She found her father in his study and decided to join him with a book on the couch as she had so often done before. After a while though she noticed that her father had stopped writing, and when she looked up she saw that his eyes were focused on her.

„Is everything alright, Dad?"

„Fine, Poppet. I'm just enjoying seeing you there... I thought that would never happen again..."

Closing her book she slowly got up and walked up to his desk to put her arms around his neck from behind. „Oh Daddy, I know... I really am so sorry for putting you through this."

Edward McHale smiled and and covered her hands with his. „I'm not blaming you and neither is your mother. We both know that sometimes there are things you simply have to do... I'm just saying, it's good to have you here."

Mac smiled into his neck and after squeezing him tightly for a moment she placed a kiss to his cheek and went back to the couch. Nestling back into the corner she was about to reopen her book when her father spoke again.

„Have you talked to William yet?"

„Jeez, Dad, I _really_ wish you would start calling him Will..."

„All in its own time... He has to earn it, for now he still is a Repubilcan nitwit, that hasn't changed." Easing his words with a wink he went on. „But you didn't answer my question, Poppet."

Mac sighed again. „Yeah, we've talked on the phone a couple of times."

„And?"

„I did not tell him that you told me what he said, if that's what you are getting at."

Edward McHale looked a little surprised. „Why not?"

Taking her time his daughter thought about her answer. „I... I don't know... What if he didn't mean it? What if he just said it because he was in shock and only _thought_ it was true? And anyhow, don't you think that's something he should tell _me_?"

Her father gave her a sympathatic look. „What if he is afraid you don't feel the same? Did _you_ tell him that you love him since your return?"

Slowly shaking her head Mac reflected on that day in New York.  
She had surely dropped hints; why else would she have rushed to see him and told him that she had needed to see his reaction to her not being dead? And he must have realized how relieved she had been that there was no rejection from his side and how much she had enjoyed their hugs. Also she did tell him that she wanted to talk when she came back, but she had to admit that none of these actions had clearly signaled that she was still in love with him.

With a wry smile she looked at her father. „Do you think I should tell him I know?"

„That's a decision only you can make, but do you really want to lose more time just because neither of you dares to grab the bull by the horns?"

Mac couldn't help but chuckle at this image but then she nodded.  
„I'll think about it, Dad."


	4. Chapter 4

After they had hung up Will quickly stepped onto the elevator to ride down to the ground floor. Outside he took the time to write some autographs for a number of waiting fans and answered some questions, before he climbed into the back of his waiting car.

During the ride his thoughts went back to the conversation he'd just had with Mac. It had been an awkward moment when she had told him that she'd watched the show. He didn't feel comfortable that she did, although he probably should have expected it.

He really wasn't proud of what he had done for the past couple of years; the ratings had simply been more important to him than the content and it had been so easy. But now...?

He had thought a lot about 'the good old times' during the last days and had remembered how much he had enjoyed working with Mac.  
She had always insisted on high quality content for their program; her goal being to bring the important events of the world to their audience, to join the dots between different events around the world and show how they could impact the US. At the same time she had motivated him to do better, and he had followed her lead, although to this day he wasn't sure if he had simply wanted to please her or if she had managed to winkle the best out of him because she knew him so well. Probably both...

He knew he could do better than he had for the past two years, and maybe he should start to get his act together and just do it. With Mac watching him it would definitely be worth loosing some viewers.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The following night Mac settled in bed with one of her favourite books and read for an hour before turning off the light, however not forgetting to set her alarm to wake up in time to watch Newsnight.

When it went off in the middle of the night she needed a moment to orient herself, but then she sat up and turned on the TV.

The second Will came into view on the screen, making her heart speed up a beat, she knew something was different. He appeared to be more present, more alert and he even started with a segment on health care reform, interviewing a Republican Senator afterwards and being a little tougher on him than she had expected. Still, the greater part of the show consisted of coffee-table topics, easy to digest snacks – she refused to call it food for thought – for the audience.

Close to the end of the show she sent Will a message to call her once he got home, and when her phone rang about half an hour later she smiled; he really must have hurried to get to his place. „Hi there, that was quick."

„Well, seeing the time you texted... I didn't want to keep you up longer than necessary. Did you watch tonight's show?"

„I did." Grinning to herself she didn't say anything more, goading Will a little, and as expected he couldn't resist to follow up, sounding a little nervous.

„And? What did you think?"

Mac remained silent for a moment, but feeling the uncertainty radiating off Will she gave him the answer he was waiting for. „It was actually better than last night... I liked that you had Senator Bancroft on, even though he's the celebrated newcomer and darling of the media everybody likes to see. But at least you asked a couple of good questions."

„Hey, I had to fight my EP to get a politican on at all; it's not that my viewers expect that!"

While secretly pleased that Will had fought for some substantive content Mac could vividly imagine the pout on his face right now and snorted. „Yeah, and whose fault is that?"

For a moment Will was quiet but then he turned serious. She was right, he had been taking the easy road these past years and he was determined to change that, starting right now with this conversation.  
„You know... After I left CNN I had to do something completely different. I knew otherwise I would always compare how _we_ did things, and I couldn't stand thinking about you all the time. So I changed the format and then... Well, the ratings went up and... It was so simple and so I just stayed in this bubble.. As long as the audience loved me it didn't matter that I was actually lonely..."

Mac's heart broke a little when she heard him say those words, and she could only whisper „I'm sorry, Billy..."

Taking a deep breath Will decided to jump in feet first. „It's okay, Mac... When I talked to your father the other day... I... I realized that I had my part in all of this... I just never allowed myself to think about it before."

„No, Billy! You were wonderful, it was my fault. I should have talked to you instead of... Well, you know..." She sighed and snuggled deeper into the covers, needing some sort of comfort while her thoughts went back to a time she had tried so hard to forget, but Will already went on.

„That might be, Mac, but I am not even sure that I would have understood it back then. I just wanted to be with you, and it had never occured to me that it might be too much too soon."

Mac remained quiet, overwhelmed by what he had just admitted to and at a loss of words. Will however, incredibly nervous about the whole situation, took her silence as a sign that she wasn't ready to talk about it, so he decided to change the subject for now.

„Mac... When you were in New York you said you would meet with CNN when you come back. Are you seriously considering a new assignment abroad?"

Taking a deep breath she replied, wondering why he was asking. „I... I am at least open for it... But... maybe I could get a studio job with them again, so I could stay in New York..."

„Why... Why don't you? _I_ could use a new EP..." He heard Mac's breath hitch and held his own. Would she be prepared to come back?

After a long minute of silence during which all kind of negative scenarios ran through Will's overactive brain, she finally spoke again. „Would you be willing to change the format of your show?"

„Would you be willing to be my EP?"

Mac felt a tingling warmth running through her whole body and had to pause, so that he wouldn't hear the wide smile that had taken over her face. Finally she whispered „If you'd be willing to do a show to be proud of..."

Will's reply was equally quiet. „If you were my EP..."

Again Mac didn't immediately answer, but then she let out a happy laugh. „Of course I would like to be your EP... If you think you can work with me again?"

Now Will smiled as well, utter relief taking over. „I'm starting to fucking think you are the only EP I'm able to work with..."

Grinning widely she couldn't think of anything other to say than „Well, then..."

„Well, then..." Will sounded elated when he repeated her words. She would come back to him!

After a moment of silence, though, he heard a big sigh on the other end of the line, one that didn't sound relieved or happy at all, and his stomach flipped. Did she have second thoughts? „Mac...? Are you alright?"

„Will, I would love to be your EP again, but... you should know... Maybe you'll change your mind when..." Will got more and more anxious, but only after taking a deep breath Mac could finish her sentence. „I've talked to my father... I know what you've told him..."

„Oh..."

Suddenly her stomach seemed to tighten in a hard knot. „ _Oh..?_ What... Didn't... didn't you mean it?"

Will was silent for a moment, breathing loudly into the phone. „I did. _I do!_ I just... I would have liked to tell you myself, at the right moment."

Her relieved sigh was clearly audible over the phone and with a smile in her voice she said „You still can... But... Why didn't you tell me in New York?"

Will shrugged, although she couldn't see him. „You didn't want to talk, so I thought you weren't ready to hear..."

„I've always wanted to hear _that_... Though I might have thought you were just saying it because of what has happened..." Mac sighed. „Still, it doesn't solve anything, does it? I mean, there's Brian we haven't talked about yet..." Her voice was very quiet and hesitant now. She hated to bring it up, but she knew that there was no alternative. „If you are only saying all this because you thought I had died, but in reality you still hate me, then that's no basis for a future together."

Will didn't have to think about his answer. Not once had he hated her since he had seen her again, and right now he wasn't sure if he ever had or if he had just convinced himself of it to make it easier.

„I don't, Mac! I admit that I hadn't really thought everything through before I got Jim Walton's phone call; I was just too caught up in my anger and... I think I needed that to protect myself." He hesitated, but decided that the truth was the only way to go here. „To be honest, if you had just shown up at my doorstep without any of this, I probably would have slammed the door in your face... But when I thought you were dead and I would never get another chance to talk to you, to understand what had been going on back then... I...it... I suddenly realized that this, _us_ , is so much more important than anything else I had been hanging on to..."

Will paused and took a deep breath, determined to not get distracted by the single quiet sob he had heard through the phone. „And Mac, I've read your e-mails during the last days... I think I understand now why you went to see him... I didn't give you the space you needed... But I _can_ do that, I can change!"

Mac laughed under tears. „Oh Billy, you don't have to. I don't _want_ you to. That was at the beginning, when I was still hung up on that jerk, and I just needed time. I'd always thought what _we_ had would go away, that it couldn't last, but you continued to be so sweet and caring and I kept asking myself what the fuck I was doing... Once I knew that I loved you... Well, if it didn't sound creepy I would say that I wanted to spend every minute of every day with you... And that has never changed... I... I miss you, Will..."

„That's not creepy at all..." She could hear the happiness in his voice. „And I miss you, too..."

Her cheeks started to hurt from the wide smile that seemed to be carved into her face, but there was one more thing she needed to say. „Billy? I love you,... I have never stopped."

„MacKenzie..." Will breathed her name, suddenly feeling as if a ton of bricks had been taken off his mind and grateful that it wasn't too late. „I love you, too..."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Waking up the next morning Mac immediately remembered the phone call that had lasted for almost another hour until the sun had already come up in London and Will had told her to finally get some sleep. She still felt elated, giddy with excitement and glee, and after a quick shower she went downstairs.

It was a beautiful spring day and her parents were drinking a mid-morning cup of tea on the terrace, looking up when she stepped outside to join them.

„Good morning, Darling." Claire McHale smiled at her. „Did you sleep well? You certainly slept in late today."

„I did, Mom, but I didn't sleep the whole night." Pouring herself a cup of tea she continued. „Will and I talked for a while last night."

„Oh, that is nice, isn't it, Edward?"

„I'm glad you did, Mac." Her father agreed. „And judging by that glow on your face I assume it went well?"

Placing the tea pot back on the table she smiled at him. „It couldn't have gone better. He is in love with me, I told him that I love him, and he asked me to come to New York to be his producer." She gently squeezed her mother's hand. „So yes, I am really, really happy."

„So are we, Honey, so are we, although it would have been nice to have you here a little bit longer."

„Well, I won't leave right now, we'll still have a few days before I have to go back. Let's make some plans."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The next days went by quickly while she was spending a lot of quality time with her family, visiting an old childhood friend, relaxing with a good book and taking refreshing midday naps. Her mother spoiled her at any given opportunity and her wound healed nicely. Highlights of her days though were the late night chats with Will. They had made it a habit to talk after his show and were already starting to plan how to change it. Will had talked to Charlie who assured him he would be happy to have McKenzie McHale on board, her reputation preceding her, and an interview had already been set up for when she would be back in New York.

They also spent a lot of time talking about their past, about what had happened to them during the last couple of years as well as what their future would bring. Painful memories came up, but they both knew they had to work through them and neither wanted to wait any longer to do so.

Not for the first time the moment where Will had learned of Mac's alleged death came up one night and with a shaky voice he admitted what he hadn't dared to tell her before . „When I heard... After I had talked to your father... I almost jumped off the balcony..."

Mac drew in a sharp breath but didn't know what to say. She wasn't sure if her reaction hadn't been the same if she had been in his place so she only exhaled his name. „Billy..."

„You saved me, you know?" His voice now sounded a little steadier. „I heard your voice in my head that told me not to do it and I couldn't anymore."

„Billy..." Again she was only able to whisper his name, trying to hide that her eyes had filled up with tears. „Oh, how I wish I could hold and kiss you right now..."

Will's eyes went wide. Suddenly his mind was filled with pictures of Mac in his arms, of a naked MacKenzie stretched out on his bed, and memories of their time together hit him with full force. Up until now his head had been full of pink clouds and violins, and he had been satisfied with simply being able to hear her voice, to know that they still loved each other, but now his thoughts were captivated by the physical side of this relationship they could resume once she was back in New York.

„Mac..." He almost growled her name and then lowered his voice. „I want to take you in my arms and hold you so tight... I want to run my fingers through your hair and I can't wait to kiss you... It's been so long..."

„I know... And I missed it so much..." Again Mac whispered, this time expectantly, pure seduction. „What would you do, Billy?"

More pictures flooded Will's head and it took a moment for him to sort through them, but then he started to lay them out to her. „I'm going to go slow, Mac. I want to relearn everything about you, the way you smell, the way you taste, the sounds you make and how your pupils dilate when you are close, your eyes fixed on mine..." Letting his free hand wander down his chest he started to stroke himself through his pants. „I will kiss you so thoroughly that you don't know how to keep standing anymore before I move down to your neck. I remember that spot behind your ear, the one that makes you moan so loudly? I need to know if it still does..." With every word Will's voice got hoarser and he needed to clear his throat before he could go on, fully aware that Mac hadn't said a word since he had started, but that her breathing had accelerated.

„Then I will take off your shirt to pay homage to your magnificent breasts. They look gorgeous in your lace bra and I softly move my thumbs over them before I lean in to kiss them..." Hearing Mac quietly moan through the phone he groaned in return and his jeans were getting uncomfortably tight. „Oh God, you taste so wonderful... Then I'll move further down, placing wet kisses on your stomach and then..."

Will was just about to open the zipper of his pants when Mac interrupted him. „Billy, stop!"

Her voice was raw and she was breathing heavily. Will remained quiet for a moment, but then he gently asked „Mac, Honey? You alright?"

„Fuck, yeah..." With her eyes closed she sighed and placed her hand on her forehead. „It's just... I... I know it's silly, but this will be our... well, the second first time and I don't want it to be like this, on the phone..."

After a moment of silence Will groaned in desperation and moved his hand from his groin, but then he chuckled lightly. „Unfortunately you've got a point there..." Sighing he tried not to think about his hard-on and how much he wanted her. „When will you be home?"

Mac didn't know if he had deliberately placed her home in New York, with him, but her heart did a perfect triple somersault and she didn't intend to correct him. „I've been here for a week now. I'm sure my parents would understand if I'd get on a flight tomorrow..."

Will's face broke into a wide smile and his voice moved down a whole octave  
„So... See you tomorrow?"

„See you tomorrow."

* * *

That was it - I hope you enjoyed it.

If you want more, you can find an additional (M-rated) chapter on AO3.


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